Bring It.

I have never been so sick of myself as I was about two months ago.

I could go on and list the things I was or was not doing that was hurting my earthly relationships and my relationship with Christ, but I'm afraid some might miss the point by focusing on the things rather than the heart matter.

I have often struggled with self-control and self-discipline, sometimes erring on the side of legalism while otherwise erring on grace.* I would use either as a justification for my actions. If I followed the "rules" too closely, I would lose sight of His grace, harden my heart, and have a greater tendency to judge others. If I wasn't following the "rules" (even ones I had made for myself), I would justify it by claiming grace.I have always struggled with living a life of consistency that leads to holiness without erring to one of these two extremes. As a Christian, the Bible tells me several things about my self: to die to self, take up my cross daily, to put off selfish ambition and vain conceit, to practice self-control. I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. But what does that look like on a daily basis for me personally?

I heard someone say once that in order for us to fully rely on God, we must come to the point we are so sick of ourselves that we see no other option. That is where I was two months ago. So instead of making some rash decisions and burning all my secular music and magazines in a trash barrel that evening and vowing to never listen to "the world" again, I took some time and thought about it. I thought about what it would take for me to "get over myself." And I don't mean once and for all, because we are called to die to ourselves daily. But what does that look like? So I thought and prayed about it for almost a month, and then I set some reasonable goals for the new year. (Note: I have never done this before.) 

I set them with the ultimate goal being to know Christ more. To know Him more is to love Him more. To love Him is to obey Him. Knowledge, love, and obedience in living a life of consistency. 

So, on day 15 of this new year, I thought about listening my accomplishments and failures so far, but again, I think that would not speak to the heart matter. So have I been faithful to begin living with consistency? Yes. Have I also failed? Yes, but I am determined to move forward and continue on this journey of self-denial and, ultimately, to glorifying Him with my life.


"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." C.S. Lewis

Side note: when I say erring on the side of grace, I mean erring by using grace as my justification methods. You can never err on grace- God's grace is sufficient for all.